How to Time the Cryptocurrency Market Using Astrology
Mercury retrograde is bullish, actually
Combine the reliability of cryptocurrency with the precision of astrology. What could go wrong? This cosmic investment strategy is endorsed by zero financial institutions.
*Studies referenced may not exist. Statistics are entirely fabricated.
📝Step-by-Step Instructions
Calculate Your Crypto Birth Chart
Determine which cryptocurrencies align with your zodiac sign. Capricorns should invest in stablecoins (they're boring like that).
Monitor Planetary Alignments
Buy during favorable planetary aspects. Mars conjunct Jupiter means pump. Mercury retrograde means hold (or sell, or buy, interpretations vary).
Consult Your Crypto Tarot
Draw cards before each trade. The Tower means something big will happen. The Fool means you're about to make a decision.
Trust the Universe
If you lose money, it wasn't meant to be. If you gain money, you're clearly spiritually enlightened.
⚠️Warnings & Disclaimers
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