Achieve Inner Peace Through Strategic Doomscrolling
Enlightenment is just one more refresh away
Traditional meditation requires effort. Doomscrolling requires none. This guide reframes your existing phone addiction as a spiritual practice. Namaste, but with notifications.
*Studies referenced may not exist. Statistics are entirely fabricated.
📝Step-by-Step Instructions
Find Your Temple
Choose your doomscrolling platform. Twitter for anxiety, Instagram for inadequacy, TikTok for time dissolution.
Assume the Position
Lie down. Curl into a question mark shape. Hold phone 3 inches from face. This is your asana.
Breathe and Scroll
Inhale: bad news. Exhale: outrage. Repeat until you've forgotten what you were originally looking for.
Achieve Digital Nirvana
Eventually, you'll feel nothing. Not calm, just... empty. Close enough to enlightenment.
⚠️Warnings & Disclaimers
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📝Victim Testimonials
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